I only want to be with just YOU forever~ - Your Guardian Angel: January 2007

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Unspoken restrictions

Parents.

I just happen to get the lot not of the average.

Make no mistake - my parents aren't bad as in negligent, I understand their want/concern - but abit overbearing ya. Especially at age 20 - 21 this July.

Computer usage - Generally, after 12, 1 latest, when its lights out, its expected of me to go lights out too. Else, I get looks of disapproval, and stuff like that.

Telephone usage - By far the only most restricting. Chatting on phone after lights out is... well actually, there's been improvements.

Handphone usage - I'm going over the amount free time my plan gives - also an issue because of the cost issue. Generally if the bill goes to $50+, I'd get a scolding.

Going out - No longer an issue. Up to JC, it still was.

Playing an instrument of interest - I started from violin, but since moved on to now guitar. To my mom, its still an instrument for "malays under void decks". And she sees my practising guitar as a bad thing.

Actually, these restrictions aren't physical restrictions. Not like, they'll tell me "or else". Whats most powerful about this is that these are psychological restrictions - being brought up in such an environment, it is not easy for me to break away from all this.

In pure 3rd party view, which I did look at, it would be relatively simple to break away from this "mental prison".

I could break away - but constant reminders to the existence of this "prison" - looks of disapproval, nags - actually trigger an inner reaction, so that I start to impose these "restrictions" on myself too.

Maybe, after all..

From my parents' point of view, they don't want me to go grossly out of control in indulging - they want to make sure I know my limits.

Also from their point of view, as it is, I'm already 21. I shouldn't be treated like a kid - but they worry, which is why they will not totally not care about me letting go of myself.

But bottomline is, they have already granted me my freedom, my privacy (actually privacy was never an issue since primary school) - but they still see themselves as gatekeepers, as guardians.

What I'm truly worried about, is how this could have adverse effects on my social life, my romance life. After all, it isn't truly about confidence.

I experienced the full extent of being caught within myself last night. I technically waited till my folks were apprently asleep, wired the house phone in the living room to my room, but the wire was purely visible. I was halfway on the phone, and my mom suddenly came out to dry her hair. The worry I felt - being trapped between myself, and my desire to be free. I was truly afraid that my mom would come in and find me on the phone. Or more importanly, find the phone in my room, when its not supposed to be. And the fact that I secretly wired the phone to my room.

There is fear at work. Fear of consequences surfacing from my childhood. Fear of what happen(ed) if I break out of the mental prison. I don't want to seem rebellious. Not intentionally.

The scary thing is, I can't break free. I don't know how. The prison is INSIDE of me.

9:14 AM

Saturday, January 27, 2007

A Saturday

Lets all observe one minute of silence for a great number of casualties this evening. In order of alphabet, Allen, April, ... Yvonne, and Zach. These were my BRAIN CELLS that died this evening.

I was sms-ing and failed to notice the metal pole jutting out at the playground, and walked right smack into it. GONG!! I could have sworn there was echo. Like I just struck the big bell at the temple or something. Whoooa~

Now I have a swollen "ba lu ku" on the right of my forehead. Grumble.

Watched "Altered" today. TOTAL WASTE OF TIME. There is NO story at all, it was all about gore and stomach wrenching stuff, and sitting there was a waste of time. Gah.

Lk was saying, next time we should make a film about humans invading the alien planet, and doing sick shit to them like many of the Alien movies we see, that they do to humans. Lol. Then we suddenly talked about football match, and we recalled about Singapore vs Laos, 11 - 0. Then lk suggested that they should have done this formation: 0-0-11.

LOL.

So like, everyone's a defender, and they all start with the freekick position. So they're not aiming to score you see, they just want a draw. However, in the occasion one of them DOES get the ball, then the 10 others will form a human ring around him and run with him.

Unity!~ Hahhaha...

9:27 PM

Friday, January 26, 2007

Memory Lane and Mysterio Lane

The world's a hell of a small place! Was checking my friendster recently, and saw Derrick had added me. I thought, didn't the AG Derrick already add me? Took a look.

Oh its THAT Derrick from my sec school! My long lost bro. Lol.
And the link, I was linked to Derrick through Janelle on friendster. Yes Jan, I didn't know you know Derrick! Lol.

Still remember him as the suave guy in my sec school clique. There was me, him, Kiwi, and Chi Wang. 4 Musketeers? Ah. Chi Wang was the tall, big guy, who was good at his gaming but poor in his studies. Kiwi was the typical beach boy, tanned, in boys Brigade, not very outspoken. Derrick and I were the lean ones, he's in NCC, I was in Harmonica.

I had admired Derrick for the way he could carry himself~ Lol.

A trip down memory lane.

(this next section has no link whatsoever to the last section of this entry)

Bedok sees quite a number mentally impaired wanderers. Like, they are there all the time, and you don't quite know where they're headed (but why would you wanna know anyway?), but you do know they are probably harmless. Except for the occasinal verbal threat, a touch on your shoulder which cannot be reasonably, safely assessed a gesture of friendlyness (its rather hard to say you know) - they are basically, quite ok to get along with.

We have

The FBI/Warrior wannabe

He wears a cap, shorts, undershirt, and a shirt to act as some overcoat of sorts, and goes around in slippers. He spots a moustache (not a 5 o' clock kind, a REAL one) and a goatee, and always wears a police tag round his neck, carrying with him a toy pistol, and a toy sword. Sometimes a toy bow. He's in his 20s I think, and loves nothing more than role playing, and playing with children who will play with him. Speaks normally, but as I've heard that one time, when a lady was asking him why he didn't go to school, he doesn't know. he just shrugs.

Uncle with a Beer Tummy

Wears a white singlet, a big tummy, and blue pants. Ambles around mostly in the Blk 85 market in the mornings and afternoons, often speaks softly, and will sit down at the same table as you to try strike up a conversation with you. Has a knack to also stop you to ask the time.

Ah Huat

Mini Celebrity. Always has a heavy funky smell, combs his hair back in a neat slick style, wears big frame glasses, tall, tanned, lanky, wear shirt and pants (color of clothes do change), and is REALLY strong. He does one armed pull ups. Serious. Oh, and the things he says. The things he does. Oh my man. Yes he used to reside in Anglican High till they had to renovate and blast his residence (all of one storeroom) to smithereens. Rumor has it that he's personal friends with Mr Moo, one of the principals then.

Uncle Jogging

This quiet malay uncle who loves to jog around barefooted. Does talk to random people at times, but most of the time, he just oogles at girls. Really, he just stops jogging and stares~

Uncle Funky

Poor uncle, has a disorder in his bowels. Cannot control his dicretion. Family locks him out when they go to work. Carries a cane, just ambles around and sits there. And he likes to sit near shops. Finally, some volunteers adopted him, cleaned him up, and before long, he's gone.

Aunty Lonely

Sorry for all the names but. You know. Yeah. Old, petite lady. Always wears her pink pyjamas, folded up. Also goes around barefoot. A little deformed in her toes and fingers. Talks to people if they look long enough at her, if she feels like she wants to. Will get random donations from people, buys stuff, and drops them somewhere, and walks off. People returns to her, she drops them off somewhere else. She even throws 50 dollar bills on the floor. Kids in the area tend to like to follow her to see if she drops money. Will occasionally talk to you out of a sudden, especially if you make loud noises, and put her hand on your shoulder. I ever once caught her peeing in public.

And various others too, but I don't see them around much any more. There's the aunty also who looks like she's going to move house, but never gets down to it, and BOY, she totally gives you, or thin air a dressing down when she's in one of her moods. Lol. Mostly appears at the Bedok Bus Interchange.

Interesting people who spice up life. Misfortunate yes.

10:40 PM

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Wut lol

Ever heard of ridiculous claims?

Now, this is just senseless. REAL CASHEWS. I mean like, who's THAT cheapskate to use fake ones?! Cashews are THAT expensive? Nah.

Was taking the taxi yesterday, and met this chatty taxi driver. He was teling me about the "perks" of working night shift-

There was once he picked up an uncle and 2 aunties. After sending the two home, the uncle came to sit on the seat beside the driver. Then he leaned over and asked "Do you like men?" The driver said, because he didn't want to go aginst his earnings, he had to force a smile and say "No not really". He was freaked out. XD

There was this other once, he picked up 2 guys. When they were getting off, the 2 guys did a French kiss in the cab.

The uncle went to wash his eyes with holy clensing water after that.

He said, he wouldn't have believed such atrocities if he didn't see them personally. Lol!

Was feeling kinda low just now. Like kinda post some of my passion towards Broadcast. Towards filming. It'd be fair to say, since the start of the semester... because of that, that *thing*. I've never worked with such conditions, such a partner before - and THAT depresses alot out of me.

Dear said I seem to be feeling low every morning recently.. that I've been saying things that are rather out of point kinda. Yea... Maybe, I've changed. Or things and circumstance has changed me. Lots happened.

But whatever it is - I'm still going along. Because I know that I'm not alone, that I have my friends, and most importantly, my baby~ Because I know I'm loved, and that my baby is always there for me - I won't just give up. Deary, wo yi ding hui cheer up di! :D

Its all ending soon. Dar dar, ni shuo de dui! Wo xing de~ ;) Darling, xie xie ni yi zhi dou pei zai wo shen bian~ Wo ai ni, zhen de hao ai ni! <33~

1:23 PM

Monday, January 22, 2007

... and I love you so, darling~ / and I HATE you so, e.

Dear dear sheng bing le! =X

Darling, ni bu yao ku~ Yao xiang kai xing de shi qing, na bing jiu hui kuai dian hao qi lai le! =)) Deary, love you~ <33

Xiao zhu rest well, get well soon, hao ma? =D

Had a talk with raimi today. She said I was too nice towards e. Which probably is true, I don't know. Firstly, I don't like to say nasty stuff or shout in front of people, cos its just not nice. Second, like my tendency to like to be soft, I tend to give in alot, even though e is a devil. (I already feel bad calling her a devil. Ah whatever)

Ok, me and her we have to work together for producing news packages every week. If we divide a news package's work load up, we will basically be looking at Script, Cameraperson, Reporter, Editor. 4 parts. For the last 3 packages we did (we had a compromise that we each do 3 (cos there's a total of 6 to be delivered, excluding a special at the end), alternatively), 1 was mine, 2 hers, 3 mine. Lets look at the ratio of work.

Me : e

1) 4 : 0
[The Countdown. I told her I might be going with my date (ji de mah dar dar, na shi wo wen ni yao bu yao yi qi qu ah =DD), she said nah la work's more important than dates. Ok fine. On teh day itself? She says she's got her church's countdown,a nd can't help me.

So much for priorities eh.

Yea she contacted the relevant people and made arrangements, but talking of actual production, its a flat out 4 : 0]

2) 3 : 1
[13th Basic Outdoor Adventure Training briefing. I did her camera. She was reporter. I wrote the script. I did the editing.

She wanted to do, but she's SO SLOW with it, I don't know if its on purpose or not, and though we finished on Thursday, she had to send up the story to the NewsQ server (its a server we have to send up our edited news pieces to, so it can be used for the news bulletin) on Monday "because I couldn't send it up I don't know why".

Oh really. Just press F2, click ok, and its sent.

I can do it every single time, and she struck lotto on that day? Wow.]

3) 3.5 : 0.5
[TP Chinese Orchestra 'Melodies of Spring'. We split up, she took the tripod, me the camera on Friday. On Sunday, because we decided to do the story only pretty late, i could get complimentary tickets for her.

If she came in early though, she could have stayed inside, for free. But hell no. She had some cell group thing or what. Ok, so she does all my camera work, and tries to get interviewees. She did TRY to get AN interviewee ya. But hey presto, after failing to get him, she met a friend, and started talking to her.

All the interviewees, I got them. Wow THANKS e. You were a GREAT help.

Then during the actual concert, firstly, she could have came EARLY and got in free. She didn't. Then, if she REALLY wanted to help me, she could have bbought a ticket. She didn't. On top of that? She throws me the tripod, so I had to lug everything home and back to school! Nice one.

Editing? She wanted to do the digitising (putting the video from your video cam to the computer as movie files is called digitising]. Normally, I do it, I take about 1 hour. She took like 1 hour to digitise only half? And when I came back (because when she went to digitise, I was doing voicing for the package), she started consulting me, and end up I digitise the rest.

Ok fine. Assembly, edit, I do. Then she starts pick on this, pick on that, raise sound levels here and there, with no big effect at all seriously. Then she thought it'd be good to add in a Dissolve (basically its a fade out of film to film, where you see at the dissolve point, the 2 films kinda overlaps each other) between all interviews, and at the last part. I decided to keep quiet.

Mrs Raimi's comment was: Its irritating.]

I really enjoy doing the digitising, editing, assembly, voicing - because basically I really love the satisfaction when it comes out good on the screen, and I can say, you know, thats my work, thats MY editing. So when I do all the editing, I don't hold a grudge against her.

But Mrs Raimi said, thats exactly the problem. When e says "joel can you do this" "joel can you do that" I never said no. Seriously. So it became that she's spolit, and thinks that I will do all the editing, its ok. And everytime we work on the script "together" (as she suggests and puts it) it mostly becomes me doing it.

And today the problem was, because we worked together to produce a news bulletin, we had to hand up all the necessary paperwork. First of all, she did all the paperwork, didn't have me involved nor informed. I was the Director of the studios, and I had to do the Director's Cue Sheet ON THAT MORNING. You know why? She EMAILED me the stuff on SUNDAY, late in the night. Watcha want me do, burn midnight oil?

Then after that, the paperwork, I had to type out the Director's Cue Sheet of course. We had to get everything in by TODAY, and its a unsaid norm that the latest time to hand up would be 5pm.

I reached back in school at 5 to hand in the stuff, and e didn't have the brains to go hand in the stuff that was with her. And after that, she had the nerve to call me, and scold me for making her wait till 7 for me. Like HELLO, if I'm uncontactable, shouldn't you have the SENSE to go hand in to the teacher first nevertheless? Lost my temper and scolded her back.

"So its always about how much YOU suffered ya? Its always about "oh YOU poor thing" ya?" I just slammed the phone on her.

Just like how she slammed doors in my face today.

Early morning, she gives me a black face. Fine. During presentation/comments on the news package, she saw I was going to talk about her abscence during the performance, and went to defend herself first. Oh yea, e's always in the right ya? Because e was unable to get into the concert hall. Aw~ YA RIGHT.

I'd booked my NAPFA test date long ago, for tomorrow at 3. And she comes and tells me yesterday that she set an interview for our next news package at 2-3 tomorrow. When I tell her I have NAPFA? She says "go reschedule it" and stomped out, slamming doors after her.

Oh, so now you're in the RIGHT again huh? Joel's always in the wrong ya?

Fat sh*t.

Wasn't in the best of mood this morning. Like really low kinda~ But maybe its just the monday blues ya. Much better by midday. =))

我的小猪/ 小兔子/ 达达/ 宝贝/ 小天使，下面这句话，只跟你一个人说！

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Kekeke! *muacks!

8:56 PM

Friday, January 19, 2007

Sunny day~

Keke, chatted with dar over the phone for an hour last night.

Played some guitar for her - not too well done, playing in the dark. Hehe! Think she couldn't really hear too, my phone's speaker isn't too good at catching sounds more than like, 10 cm away.

But we did "duet" on Lian Ai Ping Lv - Dar's voice so sweet! Keke! =Pp Hao xi huan ting dar chang ge!~

Hehe.

Sigh today no lesson at all. I didn't know! I cabbed to school to find no lesson. CABBED! Argh. I waited for the free lunch provisions to make up for that cab fare. o.0

Lol but Cat's mock wedding was quite cute. They had her a tiara with a sash, and flowers (from somewhere), and made her walk down the long flight of stairs to the stage area, like an aisle like that. I was supposed to play Qing Fei De Yi when she was coming down, but Production Crew didn't know. So I was scheduled to play after.

Her husband Roy faked running away at first - only to come out riding a bicycle with a seat behind, and a sign saying "Just Married" behind. In place of a car la. Keke. So cute.

And they were wedded unofficially on the spot, with mock wedding rings. Mm, I think Roy's younger than Cat. They had to do a slow mo as a "suffering" after they were "wedded" - slow mo of Roy running to kiss Cat. LOL. Roy had to also kneel, and propose to her. Quite sweet la the whole thing.

My Qing Fei De Yi came when Cat sat at the back of Roy's bicycle, and he ferried her around abit. So impromptu, my singer didn't catch her tune right at some places. Lol!

Today's Open House performance was better than yesterday la. Esp the Chinese New Year song, the crowd was clapping along, and a few even cheered. Woot. Now I know why Cat said, we should pick fast, lively, loud pieces to perform for outdoors. Or else cannot hear, very boring.

Keke, darling de drawing hao hao kan! *muacks <33

10:14 PM

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Its Daniel revisited

Daniel strikes again!

Ever since his "Violin Boy! And... Guitar Girl!" - he was finsing me today ( I was sittingin a corner at the corridor outside) to pass me tabs. He couldn't see me, so he hollered. I hollered back. And when I told him I was sitting in a corner, he hollered "You poor thing! Come here, you sexy beast!"

OMG! Daniel. And his crankiness.

When I went to the toilet, the first thing Xi Yang said when he went in was "I can SEE you Joel".

Totally gay-traumatised!

Wo shi dar dar de Shu Xiong~ =Pp Keke! <3 u darling~

10:59 PM

No rain!

Hee, went out with dar today. No rain! Lovely~ First time we saw stars together~ *starry starry!* =Pp

Dar looks so kawaii in specs and her pink headband!! =DD Zhen de! But she wouldn't let my take a photo. =Pp

Found my "lost" earphones for my phone today. In my jeans! But the left side is totally spoilt. No sound. =(

Helped dar do 2 book reviews - lol I was typing "controversial books singapore" in Google. And hey presto! Got results. And book intro. Shiok! =P

Hee. Watched Pan's Labyrinth with dar~ Not bad la. Its not painful to watch. Script is ok, but the ending - you dunno what to make of it, whether to cry or feel happy. But they played up the villian very well. Everyone totally hated him. Not a bad show to catch if you have nothing else to catch for this week.

Its my solo for Open House tmrw!!! Nervous* Hope I do ok! >.<

Love you, darling~ <33

12:52 AM

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Lol my lecturer just told us a ghost experience she had.

Apparently (apparitionally? Never mind), Sir Stamford Raffles had a mistress, whom he dumped. Her grave is in Singapore (somewhere next to some apartments).

Well, she was walking along that stretch in the afternoon, turned round to look into a roadside mirror, and saw this "black balloon" thing bobbing at the back of her head. But it was like, a biggish black head, and a inproportionate body. Rising.

She was terrified - such that she dashed across the overhead bridge. She isn't the only one, everyone living in the area knows.

She subsequently felt that it followed her home, she woke up at 4am, and went to the Church, and got her place exorcised.

10:15 AM

Gah. I'm pessi-mood-istic.

Was in a bad mood yesterday. Like, half depressed, half frustration. With what, out of what, no idea.

Think I shouldn't talk about issue in the heart when I'm in such a mood - my erratic behavior just confuses me, annoys others, makes me paranoid, and THEN depresses a whole lot more out of me.

One of these days, paranoia is so going to shave half my lifespan off.

I ask myself: What do you want, Joel?

I bring up issues, then tell myself they are trivia (which they are), tells others, bring up to others, amplify the emotions, and get the equation of internal conflict. Nice one, Joel. Zz.

I need to stop thinking so much, I need to stop my imagination running wild.
I need to be more firm. Especially on myself.
I need to have more faith, and don't worry unnecessary, worry about wild things, speculations.

My poor darling - have to put up with all this nonsense in me. =/ Dar, ru guo mei you ni zai wo shen bian pei zhe wo, zi chi wo, wo zhen de bu zhi dao, zen me ban cai hao. =X

Miss my darling alot. Alot.

9:17 AM

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Sad~

Sometimes I fell like, I'm so - incapable. Like, loser.

Its not like a lack of confidence, but sometimes, things I do. I dunno, it seems really loser to myself. Yesterday night, I intended to take dar out to Clarke Quay, I was planning to have a good walk around, look at the river - you know how lovely that can be.

It was raining all through morning and afternoon, so I thought it wouldn't at night, it'd be nice and cool. My foot. It went right on and totally poured. On top of that? I didn't know which way was the correct way, I got myself and dar drenched for nothing the first time round. We finished walking Clarke Quay quite fast, went to Liang Court (I was IN Liang Court, and I was asking whats Liang Court lol).

Then I was totally out of ideas where else to go. It was like, real early then. (truth to be said, I was a little panicky)

Then we went to Lau Pa Sat to eat dinner - my dar was drenched, hungry, AND thirsty. I was depressed. How could you, Joel?! Its supposed to be a DATE!

Things lightened up during, and after dinner, thankfully! =) Quite a fair bit of walking. Keke.

Walked to Esplanade - omg we saw Abigail Chan. Like rly rly.

Dear fell sick this morning. =X

Went for the NTU talk at Suntec today. Took interest in Arts, Media Design, Communications Studies, and Humanities and Social Sciences.

The first one is like Design.

The 2nd, an extended version of what I'm studying now, and I STILL cannot run from Journalism.

The third - I fell totally asleep during the talk. Honest, I tried to pay attention, but it was just SO boring.

Lol I must have some "destruction aura" around me. Arts Media and Design talk, first his Powerpoint was super slow and laggy, then his projector just went PIAK! and went up in smoke at the end. He said it was his "little exploding machine". Lol.

I wanted to see Law, but they don't have that talk. Hmm. Pretty undecided now.

9:46 PM

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Rain rain~

Hee waiting for my dar dar to online now. Keke. She's the highlight of my day, every night =DD

Went to Toa Payoh Cummunity Centre to shoot their Adventure Club's briefing yesterday. Went until so late! The MRT station control master told me, when I asked for directions: Just go out, walk right, see fountain, its near there.

I went out, walked right for like over 10 - 15 mins (considering my walking speed), before I saw the CC ACROSS the road - from the miserable dark little "fountain". =_= The event was okok la.. Not alot of people were there really.

The event was 8 - 9.30, but plus all the dragging - I reached home around 11.30pm. Wanted to do law and finish up Script de.. But couldn't. Could only do Law this morning.

Hehehe. Dar dar yest night feeling very high orh! Kekeke! =Pp So ke ai. Bleh! Love you loads~ <33

10:13 PM

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

You are The Sun

Happiness, Content, Joy.

The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.

Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

12:53 AM

Monday, January 08, 2007

Blog blog blog!

Decided to blog more often. Ah yes, MUCH more often. Keke.

Went out with my dear on saturday~ There was no rain! Yippee! Lol. We went to Esplanade, sat there. I was saying lets watch the sunset, but the buildigs were clocking so... Lol. We just sat there with each other.. But all the time inhaling second hand smoke. Yergh. Then we went to eat at Yoshinoya. Omg I didn't know they were like, the same price at Mac, and SO much better/filling please. Lol.

After dinner we just went to one of the side stairs in front of Marina Square, and just sat there in each other's arms~ Hehe! Some night, it was. Some night. ;)

(poor darling's blister got worse =x)

Wanted to send her home - and JUST about caught the last train. Lol! Reached home at 1am.

Sunday, today, went no where. Stayed home and tabbed Liang Shan Bo Yu Zhu Li Ye. Ho yes. I didn't think I would really get down to it. Open House, here I come. WOo hoo!

Love you loads, darling <33

12:26 AM

You are The Sun

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