I only want to be with just YOU forever~ - Your Guardian Angel: Unspoken restrictions

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Unspoken restrictions

Parents.

I just happen to get the lot not of the average.

Make no mistake - my parents aren't bad as in negligent, I understand their want/concern - but abit overbearing ya. Especially at age 20 - 21 this July.

Computer usage - Generally, after 12, 1 latest, when its lights out, its expected of me to go lights out too. Else, I get looks of disapproval, and stuff like that.

Telephone usage - By far the only most restricting. Chatting on phone after lights out is... well actually, there's been improvements.

Handphone usage - I'm going over the amount free time my plan gives - also an issue because of the cost issue. Generally if the bill goes to $50+, I'd get a scolding.

Going out - No longer an issue. Up to JC, it still was.

Playing an instrument of interest - I started from violin, but since moved on to now guitar. To my mom, its still an instrument for "malays under void decks". And she sees my practising guitar as a bad thing.

Actually, these restrictions aren't physical restrictions. Not like, they'll tell me "or else". Whats most powerful about this is that these are psychological restrictions - being brought up in such an environment, it is not easy for me to break away from all this.

In pure 3rd party view, which I did look at, it would be relatively simple to break away from this "mental prison".

I could break away - but constant reminders to the existence of this "prison" - looks of disapproval, nags - actually trigger an inner reaction, so that I start to impose these "restrictions" on myself too.

Maybe, after all..

From my parents' point of view, they don't want me to go grossly out of control in indulging - they want to make sure I know my limits.

Also from their point of view, as it is, I'm already 21. I shouldn't be treated like a kid - but they worry, which is why they will not totally not care about me letting go of myself.

But bottomline is, they have already granted me my freedom, my privacy (actually privacy was never an issue since primary school) - but they still see themselves as gatekeepers, as guardians.

What I'm truly worried about, is how this could have adverse effects on my social life, my romance life. After all, it isn't truly about confidence.

I experienced the full extent of being caught within myself last night. I technically waited till my folks were apprently asleep, wired the house phone in the living room to my room, but the wire was purely visible. I was halfway on the phone, and my mom suddenly came out to dry her hair. The worry I felt - being trapped between myself, and my desire to be free. I was truly afraid that my mom would come in and find me on the phone. Or more importanly, find the phone in my room, when its not supposed to be. And the fact that I secretly wired the phone to my room.

There is fear at work. Fear of consequences surfacing from my childhood. Fear of what happen(ed) if I break out of the mental prison. I don't want to seem rebellious. Not intentionally.

The scary thing is, I can't break free. I don't know how. The prison is INSIDE of me.

9:14 AM